\nMy Neighbor Installed a Toilet on My Lawn with a Note, \u2018Flush Your Opinion Here,\u2019 After I Asked Her Not to Sunbathe in Front of My Son\u2019s Window\n
When I kindly asked my neighbor to stop sunbathing in bikinis in front of my teenage son\u2019s window, she returned by planting a filthy toilet on my lawn with a sign: \u201cFLUSH YOUR OPINION HERE!\u201d I was livid, but karma delivered the perfect plan.\n
When Shannon moved in next door and immediately painted her house purple, then orange, and then blue, I should\u2019ve known trouble was brewing. But I\u2019m a devotee in living and letting live. But, one month ago, she started hosting bikini sunbathing spectacles right outside my 15-year-old son\u2019s window.\n
\u201cMom!\u201d my son Jake is crying in the kitchen one morning, his face redder than the tomatoes I was slicing for lunch. \u201cCan you\u2026 um\u2026 do something about that? Outside my window?\u201d\n
\n
I go to his room and peered out the window. She was Shannon, sprawled out on a leopard-print lounger, wearing the tiniest bikinis that could generously be called dental floss with sequins.\n
\u201cJust keep your blinds closed, honey,\u201d I said.\n
\u201cBut I can\u2019t even open them to get fresh air anymore!\u201d Jake slumped against the bed.\n
I sighed, closing the blinds. \u201cHas she been out there like that every day?\u201d\n
\u201cEvery. Single. Day. Mom, I\u2019m dy:ing. I can\u2019t live like this. I\u2019m going to have to become a mole person and live in the basement. Do we have Wi-Fi down there?\u201d\n
I decided to have a friendly chat with Shannon after a week of watching my teenage son practically parkour around his room to avoid glimpsing our exhibitionist neighbor,\n
\u201cHey, Shannon,\u201d I called out, aiming for that sweet spot between \u2018friendly neighbor\u2019 and \u2018concerned parent\u2019 tone of voice. \u201cGot a minute?\u201d\n
\u201cRenee! Come to borrow some tanning oil? I just got this amazing coconut one. Makes you smell like a tropical vacation and poor life choices.\u201d\n
\n
\u201cActually, I wanted to talk about your sunbathing spot. See, it\u2019s right in front of my son Jake\u2019s window, and he\u2019s 15, and\u2014\u201d\n
\u201cOh. My. God.\u201d\n
\u201cAre you seriously trying to police where I can get my vitamin D? In my own yard?\u201d\n
\u201cListen, sweetie,\u201d\n
\u201cShannon, please. I\u2019m just asking if you could maybe move your chair literally anywhere else in your yard. You have two acres!\u201d\n
\u201cHmm.\u201d\n
\u201cLet me check my schedule. Oh, look at that! I\u2019m booked solid with not caring about your opinion until\u2026 forever.\u201d\n
After two days, I opened my front door to grab the newspaper and stopped de:ad in my tracks.\n
There, proudly displayed in the middle of my perfectly manicured lawn, was a toilet bowl. It was an old, filthy, tetanus-inducing throne, complete with a handwritten sign that read: \u201cFLUSH YOUR OPINION HERE!\u201d\n
I knew it was Shannon\u2019s craftwork\n
\u201cWhat do you think of my art installation?\u201d her voice floated over from her yard.\n
\u201cI call it \u2018Modern Suburban Discourse.\u2019 The local art gallery already wants to feature it in their \u2018Found Objects\u2019 exhibition!\u201d she laughed.\n
\u201cAre you kidding me?\u201d\n
\u201cThis is vandalism!\u201d\n
\n
\u201cNo, honey, this is self-expression. Like my sunbathing. But since you gave opinions about what people do on their property, I thought I\u2019d give you a proper place to put them.\u201d\n
And oh boy, what a twist it was.
\nIt was a pleasant Saturday. I was baking cookies when I heard sirens. I stepped onto my porch just in time to see a fire truck screech to a halt in front of my house.\n
\u201cMa\u2019am,\u201d\n
\u201cWe received a report about a sewage leak?\u201d\n
Shannon appeared, wearing a concerned citizen face that deserved an Oscar before I could respond.\n
\u201cYes, officer! That toilet over there\u2026 it\u2019s a health hazard! I\u2019ve seen things\u2026 terrible things\u2026 leaking! The children, won\u2019t someone think of the children?\u201d\n
With that, the firefighters left the property, but karma wasn\u2019t finished with Shannon. Not by a long shot.\n
The fire truck drama barely slowed her down. If anything, it motivated her to reach new heights.\n
Our neighbor, Mrs. Peterson, dropped her gardening shears. \u201cGood Lord! Shannon, are you trying to recreate Baywatch? Because I think you missed the beach part. And the running part. And the\u2026 well\u2026 every part.\u201d\n
Shannon came up, caked in mud. Her designer bikini was now decorated with grass stains and what appeared to be a very surprised earthworm.\n
Following the incident, Shannon was as quiet as a church mouse. She stopped sunbathing in front of Jake\u2019s window, and the dirty toilet bowl on my lawn disappeared faster than a magician\u2019s rabbit.\n
Shannon bought a privacy fence around her backyard, and our long suburban nightmare ended.\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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